I'D RATHER
by emerheliena
Summary: People often make mistakes in love because it is easier to let go than to try and fight for something that means so much to them. So in the end, all that is left is regret and pain.


**I'D RATHER**

Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to fall in love with the right man at the right time. But I guess that is something that I will never know. Because no matter what I do, the timing is always wrong.

_How can you hold on to a love that you don't have any control of? How can you say that you really love someone when you don't even have the right to say that you know him? How can you say that he loves you when you only see him once every few months? How can you tell yourself to be patient when you already know that you're already tired and that your heart has already had enough?_

Some people might call me a fool for leaving behind the most important person in my life. But I know deep inside what I did was right. Yes, we might have been in love, but it is something that would eventually fall apart in the end. So I just decided that it is better to end the dream early than keep on dreaming for something that will eventually hurt us both.

He lives in a different world, very different from mine. We both live in two colliding worlds that can never turn into one.

"What's wrong?" the man slowly circled his arms around me and tried to hold me close. But I just avoided his touch and faced him with a cold expression on my face.

"Yoochun, I can't do this anymore," my voice was already quivering. Even though I was trying to act strong, I knew my heart was already bleeding.

He looked at me with confusion in his eyes. "What are you trying to say?"

I looked away. Somehow I couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes. "Let's break up, Yoochun. I am already tired and I can't pretend anymore. We have been trying to hold on but…" I stopped as tears slowly ran down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry. I promise I will try to make up. Please don't do this. I love you," he begged.

I slowly faced him as tears clouded my eyes. _"I am tired Yoochun. You were never around when I needed you. When I am lonely and sad, all I could do is look at your picture. I can't even call you because it's not allowed. When I miss you and I want to see you, all I can do is watch you on tv or on the computer. And the thing that hurts me most is when I go around and see other people walking around with the people they love… walking, hand in hand… whispering and laughing together. We haven't even gone out ever since we started this relationship. Do you have any idea how I feel? Do you even care that I can't feel your love? It's like I am your personal servant that is supposed to run to you whenever you call and say that you have some free time. Do you know how painful it is for me to feel that way? I am the one who always needs to give way. I am the one who always needs to wait."_

He just looked at me with tears slowly filling his eyes. He knew what I said was right. And he couldn't think of anything else to say that could somehow make the pain go away.

_That was four years ago…._

I ended our relationship because I thought it was for the best. But I didn't really expect that my decision was just going to give me more pain and suffering.

I loved Yoochun. But somehow I just couldn't accept the fact that even though we love each other, we had no right to be together. He was always busy with work and he had his career to take care of. His career and his fans were more important, and that is what I resented the most.

As soon as I left him, I tried to search for someone else to fill the empty space in my heart. And it was then that I foolishly turned from one love to another. I thought that everything will be okay after sometime, but it never did. I just kept on changing from one man to another like I was changing clothes.

I was lost and there was nothing I could do. There were nights that I would just cry myself to sleep. I knew I made a mistake.

_I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else  
>I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself<br>I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart  
>I'd rather have the one who holds my heart<br>_

**All that remains now is regret. **


End file.
